I remember it well\u2014not so much the\u00a0content of the blog. That has slipped my mind. What has stayed with me is\u00a0why<\/em> I wrote it. Why. That\u2019s what made it the worst blog I ever wrote.<\/p>\n Theology is a good hobby, but it\u2019s a hard\u00a0living. For me, a persistent and nagging tension in my life is that I get paid to talk and write about God.<\/p>\n God is my product.<\/p>\n There is something that has always struck me as . . . wrong . . . about that.<\/p>\n But I\u2019m a man of limited skill sets so I do my best. Sometimes I\u00a0imagine Jesus standing there looking at me, expressionless, as I\u2019m handed a speaking fee or cash a royalty check. (\u201cYes? What? WHAT?!\u201d)<\/p>\n That tension is one I have to live with, and heaven help me if I forget it, if it becomes too easy to make money off of a faith that exalts the poor and humble and lays low the powerful and prideful.<\/p>\n But I haven\u2019t always remembered that, which brings me to my worst blogging moment.<\/p>\n The one where I sold it.<\/p>\n It might not mean much to you reading this, but for me it was a moment of decision.<\/p>\n It happened on my old blog, when I was blogging for Patheos\u2014which is, let me be crystal clear, a\u00a0wonderful<\/em> organization where I blogged for 4 years from 2011-2015 under \u201crethinking biblical christainity\u201d on their \u201cevangelical channel.\u201d<\/p>\n This is about\u00a0me<\/em>, not Patheos.<\/p>\n Patheos bloggers are paid each month in increments on the basis of the number of page views: the payment increases with each \u201clevel\u201d you hit. As you can well guess, it only takes 1 little page view to take you from one level to the next, and that means getting paid more.<\/p>\n I remember one particularly slow summer month where I found myself, with 2 days to go, a few thousand page views below reaching the next level. Well, we can\u2019t have that, so I did something about it.<\/p>\n Like I said, I don\u2019t remember the content or the exact post. All I remember is that I wrote\u00a0something outrageous about God that I didn\u2019t really believe but was calculated to get quick clicks.<\/p>\n I used God to get paid a few extra bucks that month.<\/p>\n I remember pressing \u201cpublish\u201d\u00a0and feeling\u00a0something diminish within\u00a0me, like my iPhone battery draining\u00a0from 95% to 10% right before my eyes. I believed then as I believe now that this was God\u2019s presence saying, \u201cYou\u2019re on your own, pal.\u201d<\/p>\n I did not feel the wrath of the almighty, holy, pure, sovereign God, before whom no sinner can stand, etc., etc., blah, blah.<\/p>\n It felt as it does when a loved one has been let down.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat did I just do?\u201d<\/p>\n Like the time I was too self-absorbed to really be present with my child\u2019s\u00a0accomplishment or my wife\u2019s pain.<\/p>\n Not in the least a manipulative disappointment, like parents sometimes do, but a pure kind of disappointment that is sorrowful rather than\u00a0angry, sad rather than retributive.\u00a0But most important, a disappointment that I still sensed was aimed at restoration rather than rejection.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t feel rejected, but I did feel shame. Not shamed<\/em> but shame. The right kind of shame. I was disappointed in myself.<\/p>\n I launched this website, \u201cthe bible for normal people,\u201d in the summer of 2015. And that blogging moment is one reason why.<\/p>\n I left cash on the table and I don\u2019t mind telling you that monthly check came in handy. I also left a great network of bloggers and amazing support system. But I struggled enough with this \u201ccash for God\u201d existence, and I knew I needed to step away from at least one part of it.<\/p>\n I needed to take a step, however small,\u00a0toward trusting God<\/a> Every bit of my income still\u00a0comes from me speaking, teaching, and writing about things too high and good for me to grasp. I try to remember that with each passing day.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n<\/div>\n![\"curiozitati-bani\"](\"https:\/\/peteenns.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/curiozitati-bani.jpg\")
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