\n<\/p>\n
Eight years ago, my younger brother, Timothy D. Kim, was murdered. Tim and I didn\u2019t always get along or agree on everything; we were very different. But Tim had so many good qualities. We shared lots of laughs and love. My heart grieves whenever I hear that siblings are no longer on speaking terms.<\/p>\n
Even within nuclear families, we are divided over every topic under the sun\u2014politics, science, immigration, gender, race, climate\u2014to the point where we no longer speak to each other. Is any disagreement important enough to \u201ccut off\u201d our flesh and blood? Similarly, can we dismiss friends so easily on account of disagreements, as is the trend today? Aren\u2019t treasured relationships with our family members and friends worth fighting for?<\/p>\n
Over the past year, I\u2019ve begun to see a Christian psychologist and psychiatrist about longstanding traumas and related mental health concerns.<\/p>\n
One afternoon, my psychologist and I were bemoaning today\u2019s society. He observed something so simple yet notoriously difficult for people to embrace: \u201cGod never intended for us to agree on everything. A basic human ethic is that people can have different opinions.\u201d<\/p>\n
People will disagree and are expected <\/em>to disagree with each other. Why, then, is it so difficult to overlook differing opinions and remain civil toward one another? On nonessential issues, why can\u2019t we disagree and still be friendly? Why are we so fearful of \u201cthe other\u201d?<\/p>\n Why do we so nonchalantly dismiss or end relationships within the family of God\u2014whose spiritual blood we share? Whether the debate is over women in pastoral leadership, Christian nationalism, or racism, vitriolic conflicts lead to relational malaise and demise within the church.<\/p>\n Satan\u2019s primary mission is to divide people from each other and from God, whether by isolating us during COVID-19 or by splintering us into factions through social media.<\/p>\n The Accuser takes ordinary disagreements in life and raises them to toxic proportions. And whenever we stoke the flames of anger and antagonism, we are advancing Satan\u2019s plan to divide and conquer Christians rather than sowing peace and loving others well.<\/p>\n In the foreword<\/a> to Helen Riess\u2019s The Empathy Effect: 7 Neuroscience-Based Keys for Transforming the Way We Live, Love, Work, and Connect Across Differences<\/em>, actor Alan Alda asks,<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n What allows us to connect to others? What helps us to build things together? To collaborate unselfishly? What is this powerful force that can push us over into our best selves? \u2026 How can we get hold of that very fundamental thing that helps us thrive?<\/em><\/p>\n
\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Literally translated from the Greek for \u201cin\u201d (em) and \u201cfeeling\u201d (pathy), empathy involves<\/a> \u201cthe ability to imagine and understand the thoughts, perspective, and emotions of another person,\u201d according to Oxford\u2019s Concise Medical Dictionary. Empathy helps us feel seen and be known.<\/p>\n Of course, empathy is not an easy endeavor. Biblically speaking, it\u2019s the extension of putting into practice Paul\u2019s relational ethic:<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Phil. 2:3\u20134)<\/p>\n
\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Three practices can help us engage in empathy, in order that we might look more like Christ than the culture.<\/p>\n First, empathy requires laying down our idols. \u201cYou shall have no other gods before me\u201d is the first commandment (Ex. 20:3). If something, someone, or some ideology is so significant to us that we feel we must \u201ccancel\u201d or terminate interaction with another person, then we might be committing idolatry. Nothing is more important than God and what God desires. And God wants us to love others, even when we disagree.<\/p>\n What are the ideologies, identities, or practices that cause us to fight and quarrel with others? \u201cDon\u2019t they come from your desires that battle within you?\u201d James 4:1 suggests.<\/p>\n To empathize with another, I must be willing to acknowledge that the elements that divide us may be due to my idolatry. Am I willing to listen to another\u2019s views or experiences and suspend any interjections? Am I willing to tear down my idols for the unity of the church and God\u2019s people and to maintain fellowship? Will I confess these idols regularly to the Lord and to others? Will I eradicate them from my life? Idols that destroy relationships need to be acknowledged and put to rest.<\/p>\n Second, empathy requires listening to others, whether we deem them to be right or not. Too many of us value rightness over relationships.<\/p>\n Several years ago, I watched in horror as a pastor and one of his congregants battled publicly on social media over the issue of baptism. Rather than prioritizing the relationship, the pastor berated the church member and called her a heretic for disagreeing with him. This unfiltered and heartbreaking exchange was on display for the world to see. I suspect the church member left the congregation, but I pray she didn\u2019t leave the faith.<\/p>\n Nobody wants to be wrong and few of us enjoy being challenged. But we can show kindness even when we think we\u2019re right, because our calling as Christians is to be agents of grace. First Peter says, \u201cEach of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God\u2019s grace in its various forms\u201d (4:10). We can inventory our friendships over the past two or three years and ask ourselves, Have I lost friends on account of \u201cbeing right\u201d? Will I choose relationships over rightness going forward?<\/em><\/p>\n Third, empathy needs multiple perspectives. Like most people, I enjoy reading books, journal articles, and reviews where I\u2019m essentially told I\u2019m right. It\u2019s comforting to read authors who champion our claims. But as my colleague Scott M. Gibson has pointed out to me, the more we read the same authors, the same publishing houses, the same journals and magazines, the same denominational pamphlets, and the same news outlets, our thought universe shrinks, fortifies, and becomes hermetically sealed.<\/p>\n Can we try to read one whole book this year from an author in another camp or with a totally different perspective? It may make us mad. We may disagree. We may absolutely hate the book. But could we try to jot down several commendable insights or \u201cpros\u201d of the book?<\/p>\n If we read only our theological heroes, Christian writers, and beloved novelists, it truncates our appreciation for and ability to see the world from another\u2019s experiences. Is it possible that they\u2019re saying something we haven\u2019t considered, noticed, or experienced ourselves? Reading within a positive feedback loop arrests the ability to think for ourselves. Empathy emerges when we read and digest opposite perspectives, even when it may feel infuriating.<\/p>\n I think Alan Alda is right that empathy is the much-needed \u201csecret sauce\u201d that eludes our cultural moment. We can and should pursue empathy with intentionality and prayer. That doesn\u2019t mean we become anxious doormats. Rather, \u201cperfect love drives out fear\u201d (1 John 4:18).<\/p>\n At the end of our lives, I pray we won\u2019t look back on these polarized days and wonder, Should I have cared more about putting people in their place or about the very people for whom Jesus died?<\/em><\/p>\n So, Lord, please give us a spirit of empathy. May it start with me. May it start with us \u201clittle Christs.\u201d It\u2019s the very thing the world needs just about now.<\/p>\n Matthew D. Kim is professor of practical theology and the Hubert H. and Gladys S. Raborn Chair of Pastoral Leadership at Truett Theological Seminary (Baylor University) as well as author of the forthcoming book Becoming a Friendlier Church<\/span> (Lexham Press, 2024). Speaking Out is Christianity Today<\/span>\u2019s guest opinion column.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Have something to add about this? See something we missed? Share your feedback here<\/a>.<\/b><\/p>\n<\/div>\n