The Power of Empathy<\/strong> \u201c<\/em>We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak\u00a0and not to please ourselves.\u201d<\/em> Romans 15:1<\/a>, NIV<\/p>\n I came down the stairs, my mind and stomach churning with anxiety<\/a>. How will I get it all done?<\/em> I thought. I recently received the blessing of increasing my hours at my job, but was figuring out how to manage the other aspects of my life with less available time. I\u2019m a \u201cget things done\u201d kind of person. As such, it doesn\u2019t cross my mind that some commitments may need to lose their space on the calendar. Instead, I play a game of Tetris in my head, trying to figure out how to squeeze more in.<\/p>\n Craig sat in the chair waiting for me as we were headed out soon to meet a couple for lunch. As I gathered my things, I told him how I was feeling. He listened to my short sentence and responded with, \u201cThe solution to the problem is\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes there are instances when we share a problem and it requires fixing. If the washing machine isn\u2019t working, I\u2019m looking for a solution so that I can resume doing the laundry. If we have two girls that need to be in two different places at the same time, I want a solution so we can all get where we need to go. I don\u2019t need Craig to ask me how I feel<\/em> about mechanical things breaking or scheduling changes.<\/p>\n However, when I\u2019m sharing my feelings, I\u2019m not looking for a fix. My feelings just are<\/em>. I don\u2019t want someone to come in and rearrange them into something that looks and feels better. And I certainly do not want anyone telling me I shouldn\u2019t feel a certain way.<\/p>\n But sometimes when we are standing across from someone (and I have been guilty of this, too), our inclination is to rescue instead of empathizing<\/a>. We try to stamp out the negative thoughts and create a rosier picture. The hard truth is that sometimes we do this not because we solely want the other person to feel better, but because we<\/em> want to feel better. We want to feel wise or important or in control. (It can be very difficult to feel in control when your spouse seems out of control.) We get that our spouse\u2019s emotional state can impact our emotional state and we want that emotional state to be happy.<\/p>\n And yet, while eventually our spouse may need some of our wisdom or our joy, what he or she first needs is someone to give them comfort, to try to get into his or her shoes and feel, if even momentarily, what he or she feels.<\/p>\n Choosing to respond with empathy makes our marriages better. It drives connection. It says we care enough to temporarily shelve our own desires and feelings in order to experience someone else\u2019s. Empathy is selfless and sacrificial.<\/p>\n Bren\u00e9 Brown says, “Empathy doesn’t require that we have the exact same experiences as the person sharing their story with us… Empathy is connecting with the emotion that someone is experiencing, not the event or the circumstance.”<\/p>\n Even if you can’t wrap your head around the circumstances your partner is currently experiencing, you can wrap your heart around his\/her emotional response.<\/p>\n That Saturday morning, all I needed Craig to say was, \u201cI see how adding more work hours makes for less time to do your other things. Shifting priorities and letting some things go is hard. I\u2019m really glad you told me how you were feeling about all of this.\u201d Hearing words like these makes me feel less alone, validated, and seen. It gives me confidence that I\u2019m not crazy, but that I am capable.<\/p>\n We need to be able to admit to our spouse when we\u2019re feeling weak because God designed us to help one another. Consistently showing empathy creates a safe place for us to be vulnerable, to admit when we need encouragement. It does take practice! Consider how you might strengthen your empathy muscle. Perhaps ask your spouse in times of peace<\/a> what s\/he needs to hear in hard moments. When you\u2019re watching television, create a script in your head about how you might come alongside characters in crisis. Finally, pay attention to what brings comfort to you when you\u2019re distressed or sad. This practice will pay off, I promise, more than any quick fix you could ever offer.<\/p>\n Jen Ferguson<\/strong> is a wife, author, and speaker who is passionate about helping couples thrive in their marriages. She and her husband, Craig, have shared their own hard story in their book, Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple\u2019s Journey to Freedom from Pornography<\/em><\/strong><\/a> and are also creators of the Marriage Matters Prayer Cards<\/strong><\/a>. They continue to help couples along in their journeys to freedom and intimacy at The {K}not Project<\/strong><\/a>. Jen is also a mama to two girls and three high-maintenance dogs, which is probably why she runs. A lot. Even in the Texas heat.<\/p>\n It’s time we get real about marriage & relationships! Join marriage coach, Dana Che, as she and her guests deliver witty, inspirational, real relationship talk from a faith-based perspective. New episodes of the Real Relationship Talk Podcast drop every Tuesday.![\"\"](\"https:\/\/media.swncdn.com\/cms\/CW\/Devos\/70968-crosswalk-couples-800x200.png\")
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By Jen Ferguson<\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/media.swncdn.com\/via\/9652-romans-15-1-sq.jpg\")
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